


Critical Hit

by tonepoem



Category: Machineries of Empire Series - Yoon Ha Lee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gaming, Humor, Innuendo, Jedao totally gets pwned, Not Canon Compliant, Other, Roleplay, Vampire references, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 07:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8481040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonepoem/pseuds/tonepoem
Summary: Poor Jedao's collection of dice outsmarts him.Also, Kujen does the best vampiresses ever.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vass/gifts).



> An unofficial sequel to this non-canon Machineries of Empire RPG session:
> 
> http://yhlee.dreamwidth.org/2183414.html

Jedao put his chin in his hands and stared mournfully at the 20 on his d20. Cheris and Kujen kept calling it an icosahedron, which he could spell fine, but he kept mixing up that one with the dodecahedron. He didn't know why they couldn't just say "d20" or "d12" like normal people. Damn math nerds.

"Critical hit?" he said hopefully.

Kujen scarcely glanced his way. He was narrating the result of Cheris's last contested Seduction roll. "The vampiress gives you a smoky look out of the corner of her eyes and begins undoing her corset," he said to Cheris. "It becomes rapidly clear that her rack is even more excellent than you had originally been led to believe."

"Mmm," Cheris said. She was sucking on a lollipop. Red, of course. The smell of artificial cherries and cream drifted to Jedao.

"My vampire hunter reloads her crossbow?" Jedao said, even more hopefully. How long could Kujen ignore a critical hit anyhow?

"Hush," Cheris said, her gaze intent on Kujen. "He's about to get to the good part. Excuse me, Kujen, my character is having trouble seeing in the moonlight. She gets closer so she can get a better view of the vampiress's, ah, corset."

"Of course," Kujen said smoothly. "The vampiress's slender fingers with their long, lacquered nails pause in the act of unlacing the corset. With a display of supernatural strength, she suddenly yanks out the laces. Her breasts--"

Just then, to Jedao's eternal relief, a couple strolled into the room: Vahenz and Zai. Vahenz was just this side of decent in black leathers. She could have passed for a vampiress in her own right. Zai, with her lighter complexion, was radiant in a cream-and-gold suit, with little d6 earrings dangling from both ears.

"You started without us, Cheris?" Vahenz complained. She and Cheris had never gotten along.

Jedao perked up. "Want to help me slay the vampiress?" he said. Vahenz always played a rogue. She said it was for the three times...five times...whatever. She got some kind of bonus damage when she backstabbed people. Jedao could never remember how much of a bonus, but he trusted Kujen to get it right.

Vahenz and Zai took seats next to each other. They shared a bag of dice, also cream with gold highlights. Zai was all about being obnoxiously color-coordinated.

"Aww," Vahenz said, "but I wanted to play Vampyre: The Façade."

"Yes," Zai said, because she always agreed with Vahenz, "can't we switch over? _Everyone_ plays Warrens  & Wyrms. Don't you want to do something a little different?"

Jedao frowned. His 20 was going to go to waste at this rate. "Isn't Vampyre: The Façade heretical? We aren't supposed to talk about immortal undead people."

"Nonsense," Kujen said without batting an eyelash, "I don't see a problem at all."

Jedao appealed to Cheris. She was a Kel, right? Good Kel were all about sticking to classical rollplaying and not haring off after this newfangled "roleplaying" business. "But Cheris--"

"No, it's a great idea," Cheris said. "That way we can _all_ play vampyres and it'll get certain Shuos generals to stop trying to assassinate my vampyress."

" _Your_ vampiress?" Jedao said.

Vahenz raised her eyebrows. "What, jealous? Come on, Jedao, if we play Vampyre, you can seduce a vampyress of your own. Or vampyre, whatever."

Jedao sighed. He knew when to beat a tactical retreat. "All right," he said, "what kind of polyhedra will we need for Vampyre: The Façade?"

"Decahedrons," Cheris said helpfully. "You can borrow some of mine if you're running low."

Jedao sifted through his dice bag. Those were the ten-sided dice. That one he remembered. He pulled out several of his loaded dice.

"And not the loaded dice," Kujen said, giving him a knowing look.

Jedao put them back and sulked.

"For serious?" Cheris demanded of Jedao. "Why do you keep ruining all my RP sessions?"

"Go on, go on, seduce your vampiress," Jedao said, "I mean vampyress."

She brightened. "You're just feeling left out, aren't you? Come on--" Zai wordlessly handed her a spare character sheet. "We can do a threesome. It'll make you feel better. I totally don't mind. Here, I'll help you with character creation."

"Say," Vahenz said to Cheris, "you have any more of those lollipops?"

Cheris gestured to the bowl on the table. "Help yourselves while I set him up with a new character. Kujen brought them with him. Wasn't that nice of him?"

 _"Nice,"_ Jedao thought. Kujen never did anything without an ulterior motive. But that argument was going to be lost on Little Miss I Want to Seduce a Vampyress.

Vahenz and Zai proceeded to share a lollipop, alternating licks. The room smelled, if possible, _even more_ of artificial cherry and cream. Jedao wished he had brought stronger coffee. Or maybe whiskey. He was going to need _something_ stronger to get through tonight, that was for sure.

Still, even as Cheris industriously began min-maxing his character for him, Jedao felt obliged to make one last try. "You don't understand how dangerous unapproved RPGs are," he said. "They're known to _summon demons_."

"You don't seriously believe in that stuff?" Zai said, her brows drawing down.

"Or in vampyres," Kujen said loftily. "No one can live forever."

Jedao decided discretion was the better part of valor. _Just you wait,_ he thought. _One of these days._

The game resumed. Kujen described the vampyress's breasts in loving detail to a rapt audience. _It just figures,_ Jedao thought, _why couldn't I also be a lesbian?_ Although he supposed he was roleplaying one, considering his character was a woman. He spent the blood-sharing orgy that followed doodling little spaceships and laser blasters in the margins of his character sheet.

"Roll for orgasm," Kujen said to Jedao.

Jedao hadn't been paying attention. "Beg pardon?"

"Don't be shy," Kujen said coaxingly, "everyone else has already had one. You don't think I'd leave you out, did you?"

"No, it's really all right, Kujen," Jedao said. "I'll just, um, oh look at the time. Me and my dice will just be goi--"

Cheris shoved him back into his seat with the strength of someone who had spent her adult life in the Kel infantry. "Don't ruin it for everyone," she said. "Remember, that poor, lonely vampyress wants to make sure _everyone_ has a good time."

"I don't think this agrees with my understanding of vampyre lore," Jedao said.

"At least be thankful you're not sparkling," Cheris said.

Jedao decided not to ask.

Vahenz and Zai, arms linked, strolled over. Jedao had a bad feeling about this. _How did I get outnumbered so quickly?_ Vahenz gave the lollipop she'd been sharing with Zai one more languorous lick, then popped it into Jedao's mouth.

"Mmmf mmmf mmmmf ARGH," Jedao said.

"Shut up and roll," Vahenz said, putting the d10s into Jedao's hand.

"Mmmf urkle," Jedao said, but he rolled. The dice came up all 10s.

"How do you _do_ that?" Cheris demanded.

Jedao realized his tactical error: Vahenz had grabbed the _loaded_ dice from his dice bag.

Kujen grinned fiendishly at Jedao. "Excellent. Your character, the Countess, leans back and moans as the vampyress nibbles on her earlobe, then snakes her hands into..."

As Kujen continued his narration, Vahenz and Zai kissed each other deeply. Cheris was listening with a dreamy expression.

Jedao slumped in his seat trying to ignore the uncomfortable bulge in his pants, realizing he had just condemned himself to sitting there for a very long, vivid, detailed description of hot vampyress-on-vampyress sex when he would so much rather be using minis to fight heretics on a nice safe hex map.


End file.
